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So we have been on our annual Pennsylvania trip to celebrate 4th of July with family. BJ had a great weekend experiencing his first parade and firework show! He's been a great trooper through it all. He learned that the louder he yelled "Hi" to the passing floats, the more candy he would receive. What a smart little boy! His absolute favorite would be the passing trucks pulling the floats and of course the firetrucks and police cars that went by. He would yell "truck" and would point with gusto as those little hands would clap and cheer! He made the "Whoooo..." siren sound for many minutes after each one past! It was very entertaining to watch. He also loved the little "go-karts" that sped past us driving in figure eights. We have some super cute footage I'll be sure to add.
Fireworks was also interesting for him as he cheered and yelled at first, but when they really got rolling, he couldn't crawl far enough up my chest. He eventually calmed down and then made his rounds among family to join them on their laps. Grandma of course won out every time!
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QUESTION!
So, being in close proximity with complete strangers, a two year old (as does most any young child) is usually fun and entertaining to watch. BJ is no exception! He can and does walk up to complete strangers, bat his eyelashes, wiggle his nose, say hi, and will have anyone wrapped around his finger. Then of course you get the ever famous question "How old is he?" Well, BJ looks about 1 1/2 but is of course 2 1/2 . So, when I tell them, I always get the same response "He's so little!" So I am always compelled to tell his story (adopted at 20 months, bottled fed, etc.) so as not to look like a "bad" mom that doesn't feed or take care of her child enough for him to grow properly. My question is, "Is this wrong to tell people he's adopted?" I've always wondered how everyone else handles strangers questions, especially when your child is not the same race as you. We obviously don't have the "race" issue, BJ looks exactly like his daddy, so we don't get those questions. It's not that I mind telling people he's adopted, but is it really their business and will it give our child a stigma of being "the adopted child?" I would love to hear feedback from all of you! What do you do, or will you do, or have you read about this issue. I'm a bit perplexed! Also, if you have time, I put a voters pull on the right column of this blog, just under our time tickers. I would love to see what you all think on this issue. Thanks so much and have a great week!
Tough question and it depends a lot on your personality. If you are the private type person, then just respond back with "yes, he's small for his age due to health problems. We're handling it and he's doing great." If they ask more questions, just say, "I'm sorry this is personal and I prefer not to discuss it because it makes me sad." Everyone will understand the sympathy tone and will not push you further.
ReplyDeleteIf you meet someone that you think would be sympathetic to the adoption story, then sure share it with them. But it's a matter of how much do you trust people?
Me, personally, I've had to explain a lot of things about my children because they speak with an accent, so it's very obvious they're adopted.
The one thing I absolutely NEVER do - I never share with anyone why my kids were adopted. Their history and their story is theirs to share when they are older. It's no one's business. I specifically tell people, "I prefer not to share their story because it's their private lives. I want to give them their privacy and if they want to share it, they can when they grow up."
100% of the times I get immediate agreement on my decision not to share it. EVERYONE respects this answer!!! I've never been pushed to reveal more than I'm comfortable.
I only share my kids story with other adoptive parents whom I feel comfortable with. I have not shared it with the family or my friends either.
By the way, I strongly doubt any person blames the MOTHER when the child looks small for their age. (not the father) I think we live in the day and age where people are aware that there are many diseases out there that can cause a child to lose weight or not gain.
I was one of those severely underweight children all my life. Everyone knew my mother was the most dedicated loving mother one could hope for, because they saw how much she showered me with love. Those that didn't know me, just assumed something was wrong with me health wise. They never thought it was my mother's fault. Those that knew me, well...they already knew it was a disease.
I agree with Varda about it depending on situation, personality, etc. How mush do you really want to invest in a perfect stranger, even a perfectly nice stranger? Since my child is older too though, we have the accent situation - although it is really leaving him fast!
ReplyDeleteWe share sometimes. Other times I simply leave it for others to ask if they want more information. Our Chris is at a stage where he really doesn't want to make a big deal about it anymore, so we don't either.
I will say this, people are indeed very nosy when it comes to babies (and little ones)! Our Daniel was always (still is) very small for his age. At one year he was still 10 lbs! People asked all the time. For us, it was the same story... sometimes we would just say, "Yep, he's small for his age" and change the direction of the conversation. Other times, we would share his (very long) story about being a tiny, tiny preemie.
So all this to say, great question! Be ready to be asked over and over, and play it by ear. But most definitely don't feel like you have to share more than you want to. At some point your BJ will get tired of the story too...
PS: What a cutie you have on your hands! I love how decked out he was for the Fourth!
I agree, when someone asks or comments I do not share that Lucas was adopted. He's 4 now & it will be his story to share. Some of my friends know obviously, b/c they were along for the journey. But I would just respond, yes, he's small but growing every day! I will share that Lucas was adopted with other adoptive parents of course.
ReplyDeleteI also usually say "he was born in Poland" instead of adopted, just b/c birth children are not talked about as having been born (vs adopted), but parents will say "so & so was born in...). Small technicality, but I did hear a speaker one time talking about adoption, and how we talk to our kids and strangers, etc....and I really remember that it hit me when she said yes, they were adopted, that was a one time event, it doesn't define a person.
Great idea Kelly!!! I will start using the, "he was born in Poland" line whenever it gets to that place.
ReplyDeleteThough there are times when I don't share, I tend to share that Michal was "born in Poland" more often than not simply because I am a pretty open person.
I too get the strange looks, but more so dealing with Michal's development. He moves around and talks more like a two year old than a 3 year old. What I have really noticed and taken to heart these past two years (being home with Michal) is that all children truly are different. Michal may not be as quick on his feet as his 3 year old friends, but he can put together difficult puzzles more quickly than they can. It is hard to see that he is still behind physically, but, with continued hard work, I know he will catch up.
I think everyone gave you some great advice, which I will take too!! I don't think I can comment, since I'm sure I'll say one thing now and something completely different when I have my own.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is BJ's $th of July outfit is ADORABLE!! He is stylin' in those sunglasses!
Thank you everyone for the help! In fact, I used your advice about 5 times the last few days I was in Penn. I simply just told them that he was only 5 pounds at birth and that he was starting to grow quickly! Nobody pushed the subject further. Thank you again and Kelly, I love the idea of born in Poland! It is what his American birth certificate says!
ReplyDeleteBetter late than never......I love the 4th outfit too! Lee and I talked about this very issue this past weekend and we like the "they were born in Poland" idea. It's interesting and makes the individual asking feel as if the kids are something special (which we know adopted kids are!), nonetheless, when you hear "they are adopted" we tend to get the response "Oh" and then its hard to keep the conversation going....sometimes.
ReplyDelete